Many gay men fear emotional closeness or intimacy with another man. A fear of intimacy is often about not wanting to be in a vulnerable position where you could be hurt by another. To overcome your fear of intimacy, ultimately you have to take emotional risks with other men. Therapy with an experienced counsellor or psychotherapist can also help address your fear of intimacy and reduce your blocks to closeness with other men. Being highly sexually active or promiscuous is often a response to coming out — often called delayed gay adolescence.
But the two are actually quite different. Many gay men lack the confidence to go after what they want. And this really shows up when I see guys that are smitten with another guy, but are too scared to do anything about it. This is often an indicator that you lack confidence. Developing genuine and enriching relationships with others is also an important part of increasing your confidence.
This works as a strategy in keeping you safe from being rejected, yet it also sabotages any efforts you might be wanting to make in getting closer to someone else. You may have developed defences against your fear of rejection, and these defences are actually keeping you separate from other people.
You meet a seemingly great guy either organically at a bar or online. You exchange numbers and begin texting. The conversation is effortless — you share similar tastes and make each other laugh. He walks to you respective subway stop — you kiss and make plans to see each other again. You chat a bit via text for the next few days, but a second date never happens.
If you are a single gay man who lives in a large city such as New York City — you have had this happen to you before. Work can be stressful, keeping up with friends can be a task and taking a few moments to relax can be fleeting.
So why is it that gay men make dating so much harder than it needs to be? Gay men are — for the most part — a great group of people.
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Many times I have seen a gay relationship break down because one partner was out and the other partner was not willing to come out. But the two are actually quite different.
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